


Seldom Do I Trust

by Angelicasdean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alive Mary Winchester, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awesome Charlie Bradbury, Awesome Missouri Moseley, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel Angst, Castiel gets a happy ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/F, Good Parents John Winchester & Mary Winchester, Heavy Angst, Helpful Sam, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mute Castiel, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, References to Depression, Sad Castiel, Supportive Dean Winchester, Supportive John, Untagged, triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-06 23:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15896208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelicasdean/pseuds/Angelicasdean
Summary: Warning: As the tags say, this might trigger some of you, Suicide, Self-Harm, Abuse and Rape take place in this story (mentioned/shown in flashbacks/shown in present scenes).Read at your own risk.Castiel Novak had been through more than enough, more than what a typical 17 year old can go through and come out normal. And that's why Castiel is the way he is, mute, dressed in scars and rarely looks up from the ground. But he tells himself, over and over, just one more year and he'll be free. Just one more year and he'll leave his memories behind. One more year and he'll be true to himself. And that's when Dean Winchester and his dysfunctional family step in and show him what a real family acts like.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> It's another Fiction by yours truly. Be careful this one is very very VERY angst heavy. It doesn't shy from heavy subjects and may be upsetting for people. I'll of course put warnings over the chapters to warn you.
> 
> Warnings: Mention of self harm.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter that basically introduces the idea of the fic :)

Dean Winchester has decided to finally speak up. This is his fourth year watching Castiel Novak, the kid in his Biology and Physics class, barrel through 8th grade and most of high school without speaking a word. People said he was mute, born this way they speculate, but the people who were in Middle school with him knew the kid was loud. 12 year old Castiel did  _not_ qualify as shy or quiet, he was popular and always spoke about the nature, he'd scream while being chased by friends around the court yard and often fake duels with rulers when the teacher would exit the class.

Dean thinks that most people forgot that about him, that he was a brilliant kid who'd befriend new students and make everybody feel like they're his sibling. It wasn't until 8th grade that Castiel started to become a different entity, Cas is a colorful child, one who's laugh echos through the school while Castiel is his shadow, a reflection that's blurry and often times unrecognizable. Castiel is what new highschoolers now experience.The quiet, only-nod-or-shake-head form of communication using, hoodie wearing kid who never looks you in the eye if you take a minute to ask him a question. Castiel Novak the kid who flinches from loud noises and freezes if someone touches him. 

So Dean made a plan, a perfect one he would say, with his best-friend, Charlie. They will befriend Castiel, or bug him enough that he tells them off, either way it would be a great way to end high-school. Because no matter how much people like to think that Castiel chooses to be quiet and reserved, Dean sees his white lined wrists and thighs every time Castiel exits the shower stalls late and runs off to the deepest corner of the locker to change as the classes swap. Not that Dean purposefully goes early to catch Castiel, he just doesn't want to be the person to get the stained (rumored that it's blood) stall with the unstable tile and squeaky shower head that would  _not_ pump hot water no matter how much Dean turned the tap to the left. He just happens to bump into Castiel there. He firmly believes what changed Castiel so much is a long running personal problem, maybe even a house-hold one. And that's what brought them here.

 

 


	2. My boy's being sus', he was shady enough, but now he's just a shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophobia, Harsh Religious Punishments, Starvation, Guilt towards being Gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty dark book and just so you know it doesn't contain any major character deaths but it will break you heart because honestly Castiel DOES NOT deserve what I'm doing to him. Anyway, it gets brighter towards the end with happy moments scattered between just so you don't get heart failure in-between :")

From Castiel's learned perspective, he's at fault. He's the one that doomed himself. The one that shamed his family name.

His parents are strict because they want what's best for him, because he messed up and they had to take matter into their own hands. Even if it means him turning skinny and having a mindful of scars as well as a hurt body. 

I mention 'learned' because he wasn't always like this, wasn't always obedient, parent's weren't strict either. Just five years ago he was okay, picture perfect even, with a pair of proud parents. He had looks that always got him complements, was the top of his class with soaring grades and an entourage of people who'd do anything to out with him.  Now he's hidden from the world, the disgrace of the Novak family. 

Why did he have to be the way he is? Why make him specifically gay? Why was he so shameful?

The one who was going to carry the family name, the only descendant of the Novak blood line, is the one who decided to wreck the business.

 _Disgraceful._ That's what he is. He had to change, has to change. It's sin, and the son of James Novak will not be sinful,  _can not_   _be_. 

  
 He stands now, confession stand looming over him as his parents gaze at him with clear disappointment as he fiddles with the sleeves of his suit. It's his turn, he's not ready; the week has gone by extremely fast, too fast. He's already confessed his heart raw, yet he has to do it again, and again, and again till he learns to appreciate the female body like he does to the male. He steps in, the veil between him and the priest offering him no sense pf privacy. Here he goes, telling a complete stranger that he's going to hell, he doesn't want to go to hell.

"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. My last confession was one week ago." he starts, the priest acknowledges him and Castiel spills. He tells every minor sin, swearing, cheating, breaking rules, forgetting prayers, doubting his existence, thinking of violence, committing violence. Everything. Till he feels like there's nothing Father Trent doesn't know, not that there is much; aside from confessions Father Trent takes him to a corrective group meeting every Tuesday where they confess even  _more_    

"I...I still think about men" He finally says, resting his head against the back of the box "I tried to stop. Am trying" He insists, he closes his eyes feeling surprisingly tired. Too tired considering he woke up a few hours before "I don't know what to do, I want God to forgive me but I keep reverting. I need your help." A beat of silence follows Castiel's confession.

"What was your punishment last time, son"

"Fifty Hail Mary's and a Prayer to the Rosary" Castiel remembers mentally praying during school, not paying attention as he finishes his Hail Mary's, he bites on his lip. Something big must be brewing if the stretch of silence is anything to go by.

"Silence till repent, if you need to, bite your tongue when you think of men. Until you learn to stop, you're forbidden to talk" Castiel takes a moment to asses the punishment "You can go now, Son."

"Thank you, Father" Castiel mumbles, probably the last words he'll say for a while. He steps out, his frown deepening at the sight of his parents standing next to Yorica, the tall blond college girl who insists on taking him to have dinner with her mother, a nun who regards Castiel lowly, and always has a excited baby voice going for her. But hey, at least she isn't forced to fast and report by text and picture who he is with and where he is. 

"Yorica is going to take you home, Castiel. We'll be back by six, Don't talk to anyone, and remember you're fasting today" His father drones and Castiel nods "Goodbye" Castiel nods again as his mother gives a brief hug and cups his sunken cheek. 

"See you tonight, Castiel" she smiles softly as she steps back and walks, hand in hand, with her husband down to where they parked. Castiel sighs and turns to Yorica, who smiles in turns and turns with a bounce in her step to her highly pristine BMW littered with (fittingly) Jesus stickers and a bright red 'I'm a usual church goer' sticker on the front windshield.

"So, how was today?" She asks cheerfully and Castiel blinks at her, refusing to speak. He's forbidden after all. "Come on, Castiel; we're friends, friends have conversations" she says softly as she jams her car key into ignition. Castiel looks out the window, not knowing how to explain his situation. Silence, does that mean talking, or communication in general? 

Yorica sighs beside him as the car warms, the windows roll down and Castiel digs through his pockets for his beanie, it's easier to not be approachable if you look like a depressed kid. "It's Ninety Five degrees out here, Castiel." she points out, stare directed at Castiel's covered head. Castiel looks at her emptily and she rolls her eyes "Sorry for wondering if you want to get a heatstroke or not" she mumbles as she starts driving, and thankfully, she stays silent for the rest of the drive home. 

Castiel is dropped off with a goodbye and a kiss on the cheek, leaving a mark of her bright pink lipstick that match with her bright pink lips. He would call them luscious, but he thinks of them more as plump. His parents would be proud he's thinking about a female right now, maybe even call it progress, he thinks. It's ridiculous, he bitterly closes his eyes, taking off his suit jacket. People get to have pride flags in their room, get to kiss whoever they like, touch whoever they like. Be happy, have supportive people, have a bright present, making happy memories. Others get to be tortured, get to be hit, get to be starved and ridiculed. Unfair, he catches himself before he says it out loud, Un fucking fair.

He steps into his house, throwing off his dress shirt. Yorica is right, it's hell out there, Castiel's collar is actually wet. He sighs as the cold cools his body, one of the only good things about having a ceramic entrance. He strips his shoes and trails to the kitchen, taking a bottle of water and heading to his room quickly. He picks up his shoes as he treks up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Once in his room, Castiel locks the door and leans against it. Silence, this is what he'll live with. It's not much of a change; his father hates his voice, always telling him to never speak back to him...or at all. He never talks at school, the only change is he can't hum along with his music and can't say his prayers. He can live with that. 

  
He decides a shower would do him well, as well as a little work out. Of course, he remembers, today he can't go out. His father would kill him if he did, not even jokingly saying that. Castiel remembers the night he decided he needs new papers to draw on and left the house after his father told him not to. He slept with an aching back and had to wear a hoodie for the first time in school. Not that he's going to admit it, but he was one of the rich snobs of the school, khaki pants and tucked in shirts with their hair slicked to the side. He was one of them up until eight grade, he started to dress down until he landed where he is; a hoodie and jeans that he bought from a thrift shop he knows with his last fifty dollars. His parents had cut him off of his monthly allowance because his father was convinced he spent it on sleeping with guys. Somehow. 

  
He shakes himself out of his thoughts and heads to the shower, grabbing his phone (which he convinced his parents he had lost) and turning on a random song.


End file.
